she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
