after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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