apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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