he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
