brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
