Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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