can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I look excited, but its just a facade.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
