i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
