I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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