I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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