Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
