I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Drunk is a universal language darling
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
