Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
