Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
accomplished twins. life is a go
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
