remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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