This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
