Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
