Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
