You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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