my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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