So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Only a mothe r could love this liver
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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