Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
