We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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