Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he was CRYING into my vagina
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
