I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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