Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
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