I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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