Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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