scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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