He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
