there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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