she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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