the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
