I just threw up on my dentist
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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