Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
