I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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