(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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