i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
