she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
