wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
