I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
