I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize