I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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