i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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