If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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