How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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