Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
