My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
