You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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