I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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