...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
