Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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