After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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