I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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