I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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