Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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