her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
