Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
