I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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