You're my little dorito
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
