You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
