He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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