I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
